we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
