I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
