You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
