My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
