She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
