And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
