I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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