I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
