If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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