she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
