I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
