Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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