I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
