she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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