Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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