She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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