he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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