It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
