I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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