I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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