So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
