I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize