Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
