I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
