I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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