woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
