I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
