All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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