And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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