I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
