Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you had me at cake vodka
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
