The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
