i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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