Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The Olympian is in my bed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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