A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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