I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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