just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
