we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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