Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
