Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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