He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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