I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize