Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
