i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
