Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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