Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
