Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
