Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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