hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
