So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
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Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
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Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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