Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
