Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
