did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
