this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You ruined the universe
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
