I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm passing your future prison.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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