So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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