I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
