I just threw up on my dentist
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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