i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
