dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
